So it occured to me "can I be strong enough?"
the answer was compeletly vaugue to me. why? because I wanted to die at the same time that I wanted to live passionately. I wasn't strong and brave enough to do both so I got stuck in a loop. it was kindda a hell loop that I couldn't wake up every day, I would rather just stay in bed doing nothing. but still wanting to conquer the world and learn evrything that makes me super excited. I regreted it. I blamed myself and I got diperessed that it wasn't there.
but today I woke up as I promised to myself last night, motivated. I tried to be active and happy and not to overthink it. I woke up at 6:40 and strated studying at 7:10. it was nice. I kept studying, maybe not utterly as planned but I didn't waste a drop. now I feel better. so I asked myself "can I be strong enough?"
I remembered the girl from the "UNBELIEVABLE" serial, she is under tons of presure and everyone is just... may wanna help or don't even want to, but they're not on her side. so at first she tries to kill her self, she is standing on a edge of a bridge over the river, somewhere I can never stand, and she wants to jump but suddenly she refuses to. she calls her friend and say: "I'm in trouble. can you pick me up?" so her friend took her but nagged in the end: "next time get urself together, I was wearing my pejamas." moreover the situation gets worse and worse and the life gets so hard on her but she fights. she is soooo lonley but she keeps fighting. then something happens and it's that scene that she goes to a lowyer, she says: "everything that happened to me, I was happy that it wasn't worse. but now, I feel like it's not enough, I want more." and the lowyer says: "do you know what hapens when you want more? you'll get more."
and we can see, she's not extravagant, she just wants enough. she gets ample money and she buys some stuff and a car and she travels somewhere else, probably far away enough.
so it occured to me: "she was strong enoght, can you be strong enough?" can you go one and not give in in hard fu**ed up situations? can you accept life as the flow it is? can you fight in the hard times to get to the better sides? are you strong enough?
so I decided, not only I can, but also I am strong, more than enough. not as much as, but damn much more. I just have to remember that it's a battle and I have to fight. it is what it is and I shouldn't waste it.
all I hope now is that I don't get stuck in the loop. so here's to me: if you got stuck, set a time, promise you'll be okay after that and push yourself to be. and please know how alone you are, lower your expectations, stay away from all negativities you can and try to hang on more and more, till you learn to be stronger and stronger, for EVER. :)
+ I would like to talk about other sides and things I've learned from this serial named UNBELIEVABLE, I hope I keep writing and get to that point later on.
